.

((Sorry it has to be republished))

Hi! It’s been already a week. It is maybe a late late birthday gifts you’ve ever had – I dunno, I’ve no talk to you for past months – but I’d rather send it than take it to be a memorable pieces in my room.

First of all, my biggest sorry gone to you ever, then Joey, for making same mistakes, not fulfilling your promises just breaking trust. Maybe I am not a trustworthy person, but no wonder why I am still trying to be. If I can give an excuse for this goddamn thing could happens, once again I’d take note that it is always my mistake. So before the planning day has come, it was dawn already, I was having asthma thrilling my dark night. I was struggling on having a good sleep then I realized that it was 5 o’clock. Better to do pray and wash yourself, but then I fell asleep as good as I want it before. I woke up and it’s 11 am, where I have to be at Alam Sutera with Joey. Suddenly, had I chatted Joey my asthma has come again without asked me anything. I feel so much regrets till now why I let my bodies down greatly and know that I had lost of those battles between time, body and even my decision. I took breath, and gave minutes to my corpse-look-alike body test on my bed. Everything went worse just as I thought before. “Why would I do such an agreement of having this belated birthday surprise, while I am not knowing what happens in the next few days or even that execution day itself!” My head went dizzy thinking about what I should do. I don’t even have much energy to go out for food. I try to order food on my delivery list but it didn’t open that day because of some fuckin thing I don’t care. Then I chatted with Teguh, my dearest friend, asked “what if we eat in my room? Could you bring whatever you order, please?” He was agreed but has to take a bath first. After that, we were eating together and having a little cheer up for what I will be doing later. Leaving debt on him, I return to Jakarta to do this private thingy.

Still going worse, I arrived at Jakarta so lately, a night where some people maybe are having a good dream on their head. I know it’s a bad thing to let the things cancelled without giving any reports. Bad cough made my night surrounded by fear, fear of spreading virus on home. Knowing that anybody here is just same like me, I felt a little bit okay. But still, that day is not just an ordinary day. I have missed one of the biggest chances ever to meet you again.

Anyway, I try to give these things to you but know the fear, pain of ruining someone’s day, embarrassment are blocking my courage.

It may be a long passage you don’t even want to read, me neither. I never want to write these couple of words, but my friend has come to me and said, “It’s okay to tell her what’s happened”. But what I was thinking is the opposite of her, “if I didn’t come this weak, I’d still be happy to meet her because I tried my best to go to Jakarta as fast as I can”, it will always been an excuse, another excuses I’ve made. It will not make her understands and why the fuck would I try to always make her understands me? Fuck me, I am so fuckin fucked.

Hey by the way, I have so many complaints about this. Teguh is the one who against this. “Who the heck are you doing? Leaving her behind and now just showing your existence to come back to her? What if she already forgot you? What if she got somebody else?” I never think about that. Not because it couldn’t be happen, but surely I try to deny it will be happen. Simply because I don’t want it to be happen. But for remembering somebody’s special to me, a birthday gift would never go anything wrong. Had you forgotten me already? I never thought of that. Because I still am thinking about you, about my biggest pieces of love. How could I talk about love when I don’t know even less?

These little fragile moments has taught me something. That this maybe one biggest chance I have missed, tell you that I am not a good person to you. Maybe I have to admit that we have to listen to our friends. Not straight for taking actions, but to sharpen our decisions making. This time, I’ll let you hear your best friend (Joey) speaking. I don’t even what she’s telling you about, but if she told you that I’d be here for you if I really had time to show you that I love you, I think this is absolutely right. From now, I got a little confused about how I loved most. You, my family, friends, or maybe myself! Naive side of myself struggling to know what I really want in this world. What I learnt now is I am no longer for you. I have no future for love, at least for few next years. I have no trust on myself too, but I didn’t think it is a symptom of bipolar disorder…. Ha.

Let me guess, maybe now you having some thoughts to hate me because of love-myself thingy, but if I can recall what ill that I have had when I am still with you in the sweetest relationship I ever had (IMHO), yes, the illest ill still lying on my body. If I got stressed real worst, a part of my body stop working and it must be connected. And I’d be blast if I can turn back times and avoid to do stupid things but it’s like hoping now raining in Jakarta, time will never go backwards and past will be past waiting for future to readily be a part of him. So I don’t know why I still mind about being alone just to care about myself first, is it normal? Or I just overthink it while I just do less on anything. From last semester, this soul had no spirit, just like a dead body walks to campus just to fill class presents and do exams. Yes I’d happily say my grade is increased, from 3.74 to 3.94. It may be a small amount of 0.2, but for me, had I even little increases, it means an improvement. Not because I truly understand what the metallurgy really is, nor why I chose this to be studied but, maybe I have improved my ‘struggling-while-your-spirit-sank-on-sea’ skill. It is kind of hard to do that especially when you lose some people in your life. If you still want to read, I had almost lose Vinska and Odah, for being too arrogant to act like acquaintance but hey I never meant to do that for real. Then I lose my fuckin best friend Adhit Gabut & Cintiya for my stupid chit chat and opinion with his ex. I do really got rejected on Physics Laboratory Assistant just simply because I didn’t come the first day training. I was ruined to choose either to be a speaker in ‘osjur’ describing Financial Department of IMMG in a brief or do come to first day of Assistant training. And I’d rather lose my chance to be an Assistant than to lose my credibility of being Head of Department. I got very late to apply for Chemistry Laboratory Assistant so now I am very free that just being only learning soft skill on organization, not other skills like teaching. I can’t even participate more on ‘osjur’ because this head-thingy. Was this Head of Department worth enough? And top of that, I lose you. And the very time of that long journey, I had to force myself to learn something. I must learn something.

Truly, I force myself to keep looking forward with the recent conditions. I have nothing compared to my past life. Am I strong enough to reach the end of the journey? Yes.  But am I happier? Nope. Not happy and just unhealthy. My days are filled with stressing thoughts. Am I going wrong? What’s wrong with me? And those are kidnapping my plans to somewhere out of my brain. Lead me to an ultimate question, “Who am I?” And like something big happens to me, made me change myself drastically. I try to change me to another me – and again I’d say that this isn’t bipolar disorder – in the same condition. I’d call it adaptation skill. A man has gotten terrible situation and to stay alive on this solid ground, this man has to be adaptive to his surroundings now. I choose to act like Chinese, befriended to Chinese people and try to care less about other people that doesn’t really bother me. In the middle of the journey, I think as an imitation is normal to get failed at a thing (I almost lose a friend again for a stupid joke), but it went well. I think. I smoothly ended up my 7^th semester and seemed don’t care about what really happens to me. I am a visionary man now, pasts are old books and I read books to have some knowledge for the future.

Then I recognized a woman is truly care for me, let’s say it F, for fool. She sent me some gifts, for whatsoever reasons I don’t care and I just like ‘whoa, I’m sorry, I really don’t care about love, at least for now’. I didn’t expect much about love or the relationship. But I start wondering, if I cannot start to love and feel loved again, how can I die happy? That simple thought won’t directly make me to start with stranger one in Omegle or Facebook, but I have to make it straight, had I really move on?

So I kept running from this F, trying to hide on my friends back and they start asking about ‘your’ day.

1.        How’s Aina?

2.       Why you have to break?

3.       Ow I can see from your eyes that you still wanted her

4.       Tembak aja lagi

5.       No, please, let her go and if you want to be loved again try another one! Not her

6.       Just be happy for being single

Those simple questions made me smile a little bit. How could I smile?

So I try to chat with you for a while. For being honest, it works! I always smile on the front of my phone and got the heartbeat of waiting for my messages to be replied. And in the beginning of this month, I bought new phone because I can’t stand with my tablet anymore. Some friends show their happiness because I become a fast-respond person now. Just one regret that I felt on that day, why this is too late? I now have supporting devices and way too free times but I don’t have you! And it’s a little too late to come back to you as much as I want it, because… Yeah you know it.

But now what? I just ruined myself again. Not just only myself, but also you and your little cheeky friend, Joey. I am no longer resist of being like this. I want to be active writing my final assignment but I am lazy. I try to be a good Assistant Coordinator but I just don’t. I want to be friendly to anyone, but too kind is just hurts. And I want you to come back to me, but I just can’t. Maybe those were signs from Allah to not force myself to make you mine (sick, ill, overslept after having insomnia). Maybe I am not ready at all to have you on my heart, my side or even beside me.Like now I just cry on bed, showing my weakness through darkness in my room. From now on, I will let you feel again your freedom, to let yourself free (or maybe you are freed enough, eh? Haha). If you’re not, I’ll let you to forget me. This may be my biggest regret but everyone got his choice right? You may be free to choose your own love on a man. The rest, I am now struggling to finally feel love again to someone. Not influenced by my past feelings, memories, nor anger. A new one I hope. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together ((at least for now)). I'd try to act like normal and move on now. I still love you on top till now yet my brain not even realized about it!

Thanks for being a cute little one that inspired me to do a bigger things I could have been. Please be friend of mine until both of us go to heaven. And be in heaven. Hehe. JJ

I got you a jacket for real, itb jacket. But I'm really in doubt to give it to you because.... Will you wear it? Or... why would you wear it? Your just ex-'s of mine. Dunno why I have many negative thoughts on my mind J

But if you want it please reply this message on the comment section below.

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ps: gula karna manis, gajah mengingatkanku pada ganeca, papercraft seperti memori manis yang sempat kupunya saat aku di ganeca. Coklat karna manis dan aku suka. Untuk gajahnya aku bingung Ai mau jadi ngasih atau gak, karena nantinya cuman jadi pajangan yang malah ngingetin gitu kan haha. Apa tetep mau? Kalo tetep mau bilang ya komen juga ahaiii.

Sorry for bad grammar, it was a calmer way for me to express such bad, anger feelings or something like that.

Kaj.

Terlalu tua untuk berasa muda

Dibawah ranting-ranting pohon yang aku gak tahu namanya. Diatas aspal yang kuinjak sehari-hari. Dikelilingi gedung-gedung baru yang aku belum tahu juga namanya apa. Atau selimut rasa yang tebal selama ini melanda.

Aku sudah terlalu tua. Ah, tua sekali. Bukan aku tidak bisa lagi mengepung rasa ketika melihat orang lain, tapi aku merasa sudah terlalu alot untuk seperti itu. Untuk senyum bukan karena foto, untuk tertawa dan deg-degan saat bersama orang yang diinginkan. Ah, sudah terlalu tua. Untuk selalu keep in touch dalam mengabari sedang apa. Ah, sudah tua, semakin sibuk. Untuk mencoba membuka lembaran baru, walau hanya satu dua halaman. Ah, sudah tua, urusannya bukan itu lagi.

Pada akhirnya aku hanya berjalan di atas aspal biasa yang teduh tertutupi pohon dan gedung tinggi di sekelilingnya. Mengeluh panas ketika sudah tidak di sana. Mengeluh dingin ketika angin yang berhembus terlalu cepat. Mengeluh terlalu jauh karena tidak ada kendaraan, bukannya melangkah lebih cepat. Mengeluh akan hujan badai, bukannya berlindung dan berjalan melewati jalur teduh. Mengeluh, “bukannya disapa” tapi tidak menyapa terlebih dahulu. Mengeluh kesendirian tetapi menyalahkan keadaan ketika tidak sendiri. Ah, kok balik lagi.

Saat itu pun aku melihat matanya, atau setidaknya kacamatanya. Sembari mengeluh dan berusaha menyelami kemisteriusan kehidupan lewat tatapannya. Lekukan senyum yang tak aku kenali namun aku berharap dekat dengannya. Berusaha tersetrum agar bisa tersenyum lagi. Namun, sentilan kecil tidak dapat memberikan setruman besar. Antara aku yang terlalu tua atau dia yang terlalu muda sehingga pamali memisahkan atau aku yang terlalu menganggap dia misterius padahal sebaliknya biasa saja. Jadi pada akhirnya aku bertanya:

“Mau kemana?” dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan formalitas lainnya selalu jadi penghubungku. Karena itu aku jadi bertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri, “apa kabar kamu?”, dia hanya menjawab:

It’s not when you’re trying to be nice, but it’s a problem when what you do is just a fake.

You want to be honest to others but you always lie to yourself.

Telling people pleasure moments you’ve been through without knowing that you’re not that pleasure.

Wants to take while others busy so they can afford you nothing.

What others?

Jangan mengeluh

Pada akhirnya aku putus asa untuk menulis kalimat-kalimat pada lembar kosong itu. Sebab dia bersikap tua saat aku mencoba muda di depannya. Tetapi aku terlalu tua saat dia menebarkan senyum saat bersama-sama temannya yang muda juga. Yasudah, satu buku saja sudah cukup. Buat apa aku harus membuat buku kedua, toh kan aku sudah tua haha. Buku karangan orang tua yang sok muda kurang diminati kan.

Ah, aku sudah terlalu tua, buat apa aku mengeluh. Tapi tidak apa-apa kan ya aku mengeluh akan aku yang terlalu tua?

Gak baik ih maneh negative thinking

"Nyet, kenapa gak coba lu deketin aja dia si. Mau itu dia sama lu"

Haha anjir! Tapi iya sih gue akuin. Kayaknya bakal mau sih itu orang sama dia. Secara dia ya cukup ganteng lah, badannya juga gak buncit. Otak oke dan ya so so lah, gak asik yang agak cenderung ke sok asik.

Obrolan kecil ini selalu menghantui kami selama pekan-pekan terakhir ini. Oh! Siapalah yang suka minggu normalnya diganggu sekelompok kecil bernama Ujian Tengah Semester. Bukan kepanikan, melainkan keraguan akan mengerti materi selama belajar lah yang membuat kami cemas akan datangnya bayang-bayang fana itu. Jadi untuk mengemas kecemasan itu supaya tidak terlalu kelihatan cemas banget, kami tutup dengan obrolan manis agak dewasa itu.

Hahahaha tai!

Fyi, tai itu...

Tinja atau feses atau dalam bahasa kasarnya disebut tahi adalah produk buangan saluran pencernaan hewan yang dikeluarkan melalui anus atau kloaka.

http://taiwangi.blogspot.com/p/what-is-tai_16.html

Kasar banget. Jujur mungkin gue gak sekasar temen-temen gue dalam omongan bercanda, tapi gue tau mereka semua gak bermaksud sekasar itu.

Anyway, ngomong-ngomong soal tai. Ada yang menurut gue tai banget. Ini bukan masalah tai yang baru keluar dari saluran pencernaan hewan melalui anus yang biasanya warnanya kuning terus lembek kena angin jadi keras itu. Tapi lebih tai.

Karena menurut gue kemunafikan bisa diambil dari lambang tai ini. Shit, lo bilang lo gak jorok lo gak suka kotor lo bersih lo wangi tapi lo tetep eek tuh. Meski di kloset, ya di kamar mandi, di wc umum atau di sungai. Tetep aja kan tuh tai keluar dari tubuh lo? Jorok.

Makanan lo gak imbang ah sama gaya hidup lo, harus yang 50k++ yang warteg atau ayam biasa gak bisa lah. No offense buat yang alergi, tapi coba buat yang tajir mampus makan harus mahal, bisa gak eek yang lo keluarin beda gitu, apakek bentuknya berlian atau ingot, kerenan gitu daripada eek yang terbuat dari nasi sayur dua ribu sama ayam enam ribuan?

Ini sama aja kayak lo secara tidak sengaja mengumbar kesetiaan lo kepada khayalak luar namun tanpa lo sadari juga, lo sama sama aja kayak persepsi orang-orang stereotype diluar sana, bullshit. I am not owning a single right of doing this but this is totally made my anger meter filled at maximum!

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Serentak, "How could you do that to me?", argh penonton kecewa. Dan yang lebih kecewa lagi, ternyata doi udah main yoyo di depan kita. Boro-boro kita pernah main, baru liat orang main aja cuma di tv. Ini langsung depan mata! Keren!


Hari esoknya di pekan yang masih diselimuti UTS yang mirip-mirip, obrolan kecil masih jadi camilan kami bertiga. Lagi-lagi bahas kelanjutan akan percomblangan si doi dengan salah satu dari kami. Sontak si yang dicomblangin nanya, "gue cocok nggak sih sama dia?"

Gue hanya tersenyum lebar dan memotivasi agar dia percaya bahwa dia layak menjadi salah satu pria untuk wanita tersebut. Coba tanya doi, lebih berpengalaman haha. "Doi sibuk, biasa panggilan malam".

Cocok nggak cocok sih, palingan juga gak bakal jadi.

Aku: "AH sudahlah, tak ada gunanya berspekulasi tanpa bantuan apapun"

Lima puluh dua

Jam tangan ku sudah berbunyi selama sekitar dua puluh detik, menandakan pergantian hari telah terjadi. Ini sudah larut malam, fikirku, jadi aku haruslah beranjak untuk tidur. Lagi-lagi sebelum aku tertidur, aku melihat keluar jendela kamarku. Tepat tertuju pada ruangan yang sebenarnya hanya berjarak delapan langkah dari kamarku. Hanya ada satu hal yang selalu aku perhatikan dari ruangan tersebut, yaitu apakah lampu ruangan menyala atau sudah padam.

Suatu hari, aku terbangun pada pagi hari dan dengan tanpa sadar aku telah tidur bersamanya. Dia menyambut hangat dan tetap memelukku karena cuaca malam yang sangat dingin diakibatkan hujan. Aku lalu melihat jam tanganku yang ku letakkan di samping kepalaku saat aku tidur, waktu kuliah masih beberapa jam lagi. Kami lalu saling mengikat dalam jeratan kasurku. Memacu lebih dopamin kami yang telah kami buat bersama dalam nyenyak tidur kami. Tiada siapapun peduli kami, hanya rahasia kami, bahkan petugas kebersihan yang akan membersihkan ruangan berjarak delapan langkah dari kamarku pun tidak peduli. Entah sebenarnya mereka peduli atau kami yang tidak peduli dengan mereka.

Sebelum kami tidur, kami saling membuka gadget masing-masing dan saling bercerita kisah masing-masing. Meski drama percintaan dan pembunuhan saling bertolakbelakang, namun kami tidak pernah bertentangan akan hal tersebut. Aku dan dia sudah lama tidak bertemu, karena dia sedang sibuk urusannya dengan himpunannya. Sedangkan aku hanya menunggu di kamar sambal melihat lampu di ruangan berjarak delapan langkah dari kamarku itu lampunya menyala atau padam. Maka dari itu, saat-saat dimana kami bersama adalah saat-saat yang tidak dapat diduga-duga, dan seharusnya dipersiapkan.

Malam ini, masih sama seperti biasanya, lampu ruangan yang berjarak delapan langkah dari kamarku itu sudah padam lebih dulu daripada kamarku. Pertanyaan mengapa itu terjadi tidak akan pernah terjawab sampai kapanpun. Meski aku dan dia sedang berada di kamar, kami sibuk memproduksi hormon-hormon baru di tubuh kami, selalu lupa akan misteri lampu itu. Maka kuhitung sebenarnya langkah-langkah singkat menuju ruangan itu. Ruangan itu berada di lantai tiga, dan dapat terlihat karena tingginya sudah melewati genteng rumahku. Yang ku coba cari tahu, jarak dari depan kamarku hingga lantai 2 rumah sebelah, sekitar  35 langkah, dan apabila aku hitung-hitung sampai lantai tiga, aku baru menggunakan 49 langkahku. Dia pun tidak tahu berapa langkah kaki yang dia gunakan untuk mencapai ruangan itu dari kamarku. Langkah kami berbeda, sehingga dia menghitung sampai lantai tiga sejumlah 52 langkah kaki dia.

Jadi dia berkata, dari kamarmu sampai ruangan di lantai 3 itu pasti lebih dari langkahku. Dan langkahku jauh sekali dari yang kamu gunakan untuk sampai rumahnya. Bagaimana kamu akan mencari tahu misteri lampu tersebut, apabila kamu hanya melangkah sebanyak delapan langkah?

Dan disaat dia pergi, aku hanya menghemat-hemat langkahku karena masih banyak orang yang menginginkan langkah kakiku. Dan aku masih berandai-andai bahwa ruangan di lantai 3 itu berada di lantai 1 rumah itu, yaitu berjarak delapan langkah dari kamarku. Sebenarnya, apa yang sedang terjadi? Siapa dia dan siapa yang memadamkan lampu itu lebih cepat dari aku memadamkan lampu kamarku? Takkan pernah tahu jika aku hanya melangkah sebanyak delapan langkah selama umurku ada di dunia ini.